Yesterday I read a post about a woman with Chron’s disease and Covid-19 and how it’s completely ravaged her body. I have a very similar autoimmune disease called Ulcerative Colitis, so reading that felt like a harbinger of what Covid-19 could look like for me. Also yesterday, the Orange County health advisor declared that masks are no longer necessary after the previous county health advisor received thousands of death threats and resigned from her job. Also yesterday, more videos of cops attacking protestors, more people sharing racist “I don’t see skin color” instead of just saying Black Lives Matter, and Donald Trump made it legal to kill mother bears and their cubs. This was just yesterday.
I’m embarrassed to live somewhere so willing to make public health issues a political ideology. I don’t know the eloquent response to “friends” implying I’m a bad mom when I thank them for wearing a mask. I missed the beatitude about “how to handle a faith crisis brought on by other people’s racists remarks who also happen to be worshiping the same god as ye”. I don’t know how to throw birthday parties for myself and all three of my kids in a quarantine. I feel inadequate in knowing how to help my husband when he’s laid off from one of his favorite jobs. I’m a fixer by nature, so I want to take on every challenge I face (and the people I love face) and fix it, but this approach isn’t working for 2020 problems. It was barely working for 2019 (and before) problems. It’s been a helluva year that’s not even half way over and I’ve been left struggling to know how to move forward.
My friend explained to me what her therapist told her yesterday and it was good advice for me too. She said it is a valid feeling to be angry at people for posting BS commentary on the current issues affecting each one of us. She was also told that it’s ok to take a breathe and recharge for another day of being an ally to black lives matter and fighting a pandemic. I am thankful for good friends (and I will take their therapists advice, too). These things have helped me to cancel out all the BS other people are sharing. I also am finding that my creativity feels like a superpower that only I can use, and I am dedicated to use it for good.
So how am I attempting to move forward? Matt and I have been donating 100% of the proceeds from our web audits to buying school supplies in inner cities, we’ve been helping black women redesign their websites, and I’m making art every single day. This is how I am attempting to move forward and be the change I want to see in the world, it sure beats posting self-serving comments on social media posts.