I hate when movies have opening narrations. I find it lazy, exorbitant, and mostly just insulting to the audience’s intelligence. Just read this one from the classic film Troy:
“Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity and so we ask ourselves: Will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved.”
These words, read in Sean Bean’s commanding voice, are apparently not dramatic enough to set the scene for the epic Troy. The narration also features a drum, with no distinct cadence, a soft violin chorus showily following along, a crow or raven cawing (because, well, EDGAR ALLEN POE, duh?) and an unknown soprano voice singing enough indistinct ah’s and ooh’s that one begins to wonder if they should turn the epic war drama off and go shake out the old prayer-rug instead.
If you don’t believe me, watch here and judge for yourself: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55VQiKd3e_M]
It’s insulting, right? The director thinks you’ve already forgotten and need to be reminded that you’re beginning a three-hour war drama.
OK, let me get off my soapbox, ahem, with all of that said, I’d like to introduce you to my opening narration *please press play on the karaoke version of Ke$ha’s song Die Young and begin reading below*:
“I’m Mika and this is my blog. Blogging is done so often, by so many women my age but, today I’m determined to do it my way. This is my place. A place to purge all of my witty, honest observations about the world around me. I’ll do it all, right here in my own moral gymnasium. Hold on tight, because it’s going to be pretty hilarious ahead.”
STOP THE MUSIC FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY.
You may have guessed by my familiar, friendly tone, my ease with which I addressed the audience, or maybe it was by my popular vernacular and background music, but just in case you didn’t pick up on these glaringly obvious clues (insult the audience: check), my opening narration is straight from a 2013 rom-com about a single, hip chick in SLC flirting with blogging.